~ The LOVE of a FAMILY makes LIFE beautiful ~

Monday, September 13, 2010

On the Other Hand~

My oldest child, Christopher, turned 19 this month.  Yes, 19, I am getting older but at least I do not look old enough for a 19 year old.  My youngest, Courtny, turned 15 this past Saturday.  So now I have some changes being made in our life soon.  Christopher is an amazing son and I love him even more now than the day he was born.  Courtny is a very dramatic girl, I love her so much more than the day she was born.  These two have birthdays so close together that when they were little it was hard to plan.  Now they pretty much do all the planning for me. 

For Christopher's birthday we all went to the batting cages.  That was fun to do for all of us.  He helped teach Courtny how to hold the bat, how to stand and how to swing.  He is such a good brother.  After that we watched movies and had cold stone ice cream. 

For Courtny's birthday we had ice cream cake.  I forgot she hated peanut butter, so of course that was a disappointment for her, she tried the cake to be a good sport though.  Silly mom, that is something to remember when getting a cake for your child.  Oh well, it's the thought that counts right?  She had two friends, Kate and BreAnn spend the night.  They watched movies, popped popcorn, ate pizza and went to a regional stake dance where BreAnn told them it was Courtny's birthday.  They stopped the dance to sing happy birthday to her.  That was so fun for her.  She had a great birthday.

In December McQuelle will turn 18.  Yes 18, another big milestone.  I may not have three children at home next summer I hear.  This will be a huge adjustment.  I know I will be ok when they leave, but I wan them to stay home forever!

I have a milestone this year, but its not so bad I guess.  We are all trying to be the best we can and thats all that matters right?

I feel so alone and lost lately..........whats new right?

so lately with everything that has been going on i have come to the point that i feel comletely alone in this world.  i feel like no one is meant to love me anymore, other than my family, children and my close friends.  this has left me very emotional.  i really hate it when i feel like this.  i pray and pray i can be a wife again, but no one wants to be my husband.  i really am ok to be alone, but i want to have someone to come home to that will take me into their arms to welcome me there, tell me all their secrets, love me for me and most of all just be there when i need a hug and support me when life takes a turn.  i am utterly disappointed in my life this past week.  it was not supposed to be like this, or was it?  at my age i should be happily married and awaiting the day i will be an empty Nester with grandchildren right?  well, thats not what has happened.  instead i am completely alone with three teenagers who really dont need me anymore. i work till i cant work anymore, i clean when i feel like it, i have a crappy wardrobe, i have no one to talk to about my innermost thoughts and desires.  this is not what i dreamed of.  this is what i dreamed of.  i wanted to get married in the temple at 21 years old.  i wanted to never have to work a day after i started to have children.  i wanted to be utterly and completely love by a faithful man who would never wander away and into another womans world.  this life i am living is only partially what i dreamed.  the only part that is actually something that happened from that dream is the children, not as many as i wanted unfortunately, but they are mine.

so where did my knight in shinning armor go?  is there one out there for me?  time will tell.